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Chapter One

If you would be so kind

As to follow me through

A series of passages and scenes

And letters that were written for you about

People who who are just as messed up as me

Take a look with me now to scene one

As the battle has already begun

A war fought by her psyche

Against the machine beating in her chest

Please don’t mind the blood on her shirt,

It’s only a sign that she seems to not have gotten enough rest last night

because last night was a battle too,

Fought and won

But by 1am tonight she was back at it again all too soon

If we take a look at the inside of her brain

we see demons that used to hide deep in her locker

Like the problematic memories she thought she tucked far enough away that she wouldn’t have to remember them anymore, because for her the problem wasn’t forgetting,

the problem was remembering

And every bottle aimed for her head was another memory that she wishes she could forget

but now, the demons aren’t hiding

They’re deciding to torture her.

yelling and screaming lies at her saying

“You’re worthless!” “you’ll never be loved!”

“And no matter how hard you seem to try you’ll never be enough!”

At first, she hid her face

Thinking to herself, “if they see what i’ve become, surely i will be a disgrace! Surely they will have no mercy for my mistakes, because the number is plenty and i’m all out of space to place my forbidden thoughts

For as swiftly and dangerously as the river runs so do my thoughts seem

And i know, a more faithful person is who i ought to be

Because a sad and lonely ‘waste of space’ is someone i’d rather not, be.”

At first the fear of being alone with herself was

Not apart of the daily routine

but as time went on we see, tragedy

For it seemed to stay all day

she never meant to fade away

She never meant to feel like this

She never meant to bathe in hopelessness

And she found an easy way to cope with this

Saying it’s okay as long as nobody sees it.

I mean as long as, nobody ceases it

I mean, as long as nobody sees her with it

I mean as long as nobody mentions it

“It’s going to be a long summer with those long sleeves” She said

as the leaves blossomed and changed and she ached for them to take the pain away that her father left for her on that  day.

Chapter Two

One memory she remembers reminiscing with her mother the most, was that of a hillside cabin

Her first vacation after the adoption

Bags packed, Father, Mother and her, hit the cement

She watched the trees fly by while mom and dad took turns to drive

At one point she even tried to count the posts on this really really long fence

And after hours of driving, getting out to stretch and pee and eat every once in awhile

They made it to their destination

And oh my god the view was amazing.

They parked the car on that slanted road, opened the door, threw the luggage on the floor and drew the curtains to reveal the valley below and the clouds in the sky

And as that eight year old little girl held onto her father’s hand she asked him “daddy, why do birds fly?”

He told her reasons such as

“To find food more quickly” and

“To get away from predators more swiftly.”

But she thought it was a little silly

But then she stopped for a moment and thought and then asked-

“Daddy, why then did my first mommy and daddy fly away, was i their predator?”

He didn’t have a solid answer

All i could think to do was just hold her

But then, he stopped and thought, and told her

“Darling, your mother and i, we are going to love you unconditionally. You will be our little bird and we’ll do all that we can to protect you, but also get you ready for the world. And baby we’re going to teach you how to fly.”

They spent the remainder of the evening watching birds fly, eating hamburgers and laughing until they cried.

This.. this is what joy felt like

This is what innocence felt like

This is what believing and having faith in a father felt like.

But now that she’s grown old, she’s lost that faith and joy to the winter cold.

And it’s more convenient to wear long sleeves in the winter

And when the rest of the world is just a little bit darker, it’s a whole lot easier to be a lot more bitter.

Her mom offers to take her shopping, because slowly none of her clothes begin to fit her.

And it’s not because she’s any bigger

Even though her father is no longer able to lift her

But that stopped years ago when he missed her

Fifth dance recital

Too caught up in work and sleep and work and sleep and work and needing to feel something and

I think you see

Chapter Three

You see

When her father was little he was beaten as well

Broken bottles smashed and smacked with a belt

He’s been carrying his own demons through the years

Maybe that’s why he felt so connected with the girl

He understood the pain she had gone through

He was once trapped in a similar world

And i understand completely that maybe it’s a little lazy too rhyme girl with world but if you only understood or felt that that girl was his world and he loved her more than he ever loved himself

i wouldn’t rhyme it if it wasn’t true.

do not believe me, because i wouldn’t ever lie to you.

I’m not sure how it feels to be a father or further more be a father that’s farther from okay than i could even imagine to be, but he was.

But there were days, just like for me there are days, where everything seems that it’s going to be okay

But it’s difficult to decipher the difference these days when everyday seems to be the same.

Work, dinner, sing her to sleep, goodnight

Work, dinner, rock her to sleep, goodnight

Work, shower, dinner, dishes, goodnight

Breakfast, work, dinner, goodnight

Chores at home, sing her to sleep, goodnight

Work, dinner, call to make sure she’s okay away at a friends, goodnight.

One thing that he was so afraid to do, was fail.

He didn’t want to fail like his father, and her birth mother and her  first father.

But his pain had been rooted into his guts and only the sharpest knives could slice the weed growing in his soul.

Only the sharpest.

He loved her more than life itself.

He loved her more than he ever loved himself

But the love of a human can’t save a life

And the sooner that i come to grips with that

The better chances i have at winning my own fight.

I said the love of a human can’t save a life

And the sooner that i come to grips with that

The better chances i have at winning my own fight

THE LOVE OF A HUMAN CAN’T SAVE A LIFE

AND THE SOONER THAT I COME TO GRIPS WITH THE FACT THAT YOUR DEATH WASN’T MY FAULT

THE BETTER CHANCES I’LL HAVE AT WINNING MY OWN FIGHT

And i’m going to sleep tonight knowing that it wasn’t my fault.

The death of her father was not her fault.

Chapter Four

Although it wasn’t

She couldn’t help to blame herself

the same way that her birth parents were abusive and unloving, so was her mind

her thoughts strangling her

Now that all too familiar red is falling

From her arm to the floor,

She thinks back to the log cabin

And whispers

“I wasn’t like this before!”

“I used to believe in love and adventure and not wanting to die, but that thought keeps, coming back to mind the way it did for my father.”

And the voices won’t leave

Everyday, just a little bit more difficult to breath

She needs something

She needs a miracle

That’s exactly what her mom is praying for

Because she began to notice the blood stains on the carpet floor and she’s not about to lose one more to the devil or the lord or whoever you want to say takes them away

Because as much as i want to believe the lord uses all things for good, i can’t help but wonder what good it does for a teenager to want to die

And lie and say, “no really, i swear i’m fine.”

So her mother does nothing but her best, for her daughter that’s depressed

But the love of a human cannot save a life.

No matter how hard you try.

The voices began to get louder

“You have no worth!” You’re fat and you will never be good enough.”

“Go away, no one wants you!”

She believes every word to be true,

All up to the moment of truth

Her mother gone, pen and paper at her side

White topped tube next to her, she calls god one final time

“God! Can you hear me?? Can you hear what i’m saying?? Do you even care at all? Please.. Lord, I’m begging. I miss my daddy, he promised me that i would fly, and tried but he left, and it seems that all that is left to do is die.”

With the bottle of pills dumped out onto her hand

The closet door shut, paper scribbled on furiously

She hopes the pills will kill, sheds one tear, raises her hand, and suddenly-

Epilogue

To be honest with you, i’ve never been good at ending stories

I’ve always been good at crossing the line between, fiction and based on a true story

Without anyone knowing completely

What it is that’s real and what exactly is phoney

But even the stuff that’s full of bologna

really affects me

What can you expect from me?

Maybe for you the ending is sad

She threw it all away

Maybe for you the mother walked in and she lived another day

For me the story is open ended

Cause i live it every day

And maybe

that’s the best way to end it

You can choose a new one everyday