Suicide Prevention Day (tw)
**tw**
(listen to Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus while reading this)
this past month has been probably the hardest period of time I've ever had to deal with.
but let me start of with saying, right now. in this moment, I'm deciding that everything is going to be worth it.. to stay alive. and if when, in the future, I decided differently, this will be here for me. but right now, this is for you. this is me being vulnerable with you; to the most extreme that I can.
three years ago I met a girl by the name of Laura. I knew her through some mutual acquaintances and then met her through a soccer program her and I were both apart of. she was about a year and a half older than I was, but we got along pretty much right off the bat.
she was the weird kid. the loner.
I was the weird kid. but a loud one.
we became more Facebook friends then real life friends, because we lived about an hour away from each other and we're both socially awkward. but on Facebook we still talked almost everyday. And managed to squeeze a few words out of each other in person in between soccer games.
Our conversations were always deep and meaningful; few conversations were small talk.
neither of us really believe in small talk.
Laura's character was strong.
she knew what she believed in.
And if she didn't believe in something, she did that strongly too.
Laura was smart, and wise.
she could see through bs more than any other person I've ever met.
She was understanding, but brave enough to call you out on being stupid.
there were times when I had to really beg her to give me a straight answer about how she was doing. but often times she was quite honest with me; she rather tried to avoid
the question.. until I asked enough.
I like to think that she appreciated that I continued to ask until I got a truthful answer.
she visited me at work in the winter of 2014-15 a couple of times...
one time she pranked my coworker and "proposed" to him.. she had a wonderful sense of humor.
I swore to him I didn't know who she was to keep the surprise going. that was a great moment.. (even though he said no).
the dynamic of our friendship all changed on January 10th of 2015.
the night before she sent me a message saying,
"I wanted one more week where everyone thought I was okay, and then I was going to kill myself today."
she didn't respond for the rest of the night, even after my constant texts and calls.
the next morning (January 10th) she responded to me and told me that she was either going to drive to the local gorge unless I had a better place for her to go to.... she came to my house and we walked by the river and talked. but my talking was all in vain, because she ended up driving away saying "I'm sorry, goodbye."
long story short, she didn't die that day. my brother and I chased her around the surrounding towns until she agreed to meet and drive home with us.
I remember that night so well. too well sometimes.
the next year and a half went on, with little change. she attempted 3 more times to my knowledge.
calling me crying. those nights used to be the worst for me. but each time I got just a little bit less worried about her, because I was like "it hasn't worked yet, it won't this time, she's going to be okay."
she was thoroughly convinced that she would hurt me eventually and that I should cut the rope on our friendship, but I refused. so she did it.
we didn't talk for months; but when she did finally text me on July 30th of this year, we talked for a decent amount of time before she stopped responding.. and that was the last time we talked. I never thought more or less of it.
she told me she was doing really well and looking for a job; I believed her. I was in another state when it finally happened about a month ago. I was on Facebook and began seeing
"RIP Laura"
"gone too soon"
"miss you beautiful"
ect.
those moments of sheer panic were like, when you are at the top of a roller coaster for the very first time. except when i began to see the other side, the drop, it was like it just dropped into a pit of despair and hopelessness.
after all these times
she got exactly what she wanted...
she was really.
completely..
gone.
but of course I have the memory of her.
there's pictures.
there's evidence that she not only existed, (despite what she wanted to believe) she really lived.
I write this in hopes that you will see the pain in the words as I write them.
I want you to see the hurt that this caused me.
depression.
anxiety.
-
suicide.
and all of the effects of them..
there is a war that is being fought against them every single day.
and sometimes, people will feel alone in the battle simply because others didn't take the time to notice the war and decide to help.
sometimes you're in the battle yourself, and you find someone else and fight with them.
sometimes you're a bystander, and you decide that you don't want to stand on the sidelines and let depression beat your friend, or even a stranger.
this is what I'm calling you to do.
care for each other.
seek help.
seek wisdom.
seek hope.
seek peace.
fight for your lives
and fight for others.
I don't want to lose another friend.
I don't ever.
want to lose
another friend.
you are all my friends, no matter what you look like, sound like, smell like, believe in, don't believe in.
you are my friend.
you are important.
you have so much worth
and most of all,
you are so loved, by so many people.
music can save lives.
but people...
community with each other...
vulnerability and selflessness, can save so so many more.
so search for hope
find peace in the darkness.
with help from one another.
don't be afraid to ask for help.
(I'm always open to talk about anything, message me.)
love. love. love. love.
don't waste your time; it's so short.
and above all...
STAY |-/ ALIVE
(listen to Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus while reading this)
this past month has been probably the hardest period of time I've ever had to deal with.
but let me start of with saying, right now. in this moment, I'm deciding that everything is going to be worth it.. to stay alive. and if when, in the future, I decided differently, this will be here for me. but right now, this is for you. this is me being vulnerable with you; to the most extreme that I can.
three years ago I met a girl by the name of Laura. I knew her through some mutual acquaintances and then met her through a soccer program her and I were both apart of. she was about a year and a half older than I was, but we got along pretty much right off the bat.
she was the weird kid. the loner.
I was the weird kid. but a loud one.
we became more Facebook friends then real life friends, because we lived about an hour away from each other and we're both socially awkward. but on Facebook we still talked almost everyday. And managed to squeeze a few words out of each other in person in between soccer games.
Our conversations were always deep and meaningful; few conversations were small talk.
neither of us really believe in small talk.
Laura's character was strong.
she knew what she believed in.
And if she didn't believe in something, she did that strongly too.
Laura was smart, and wise.
she could see through bs more than any other person I've ever met.
She was understanding, but brave enough to call you out on being stupid.
there were times when I had to really beg her to give me a straight answer about how she was doing. but often times she was quite honest with me; she rather tried to avoid
the question.. until I asked enough.
I like to think that she appreciated that I continued to ask until I got a truthful answer.
she visited me at work in the winter of 2014-15 a couple of times...
one time she pranked my coworker and "proposed" to him.. she had a wonderful sense of humor.
I swore to him I didn't know who she was to keep the surprise going. that was a great moment.. (even though he said no).
the dynamic of our friendship all changed on January 10th of 2015.
the night before she sent me a message saying,
"I wanted one more week where everyone thought I was okay, and then I was going to kill myself today."
she didn't respond for the rest of the night, even after my constant texts and calls.
the next morning (January 10th) she responded to me and told me that she was either going to drive to the local gorge unless I had a better place for her to go to.... she came to my house and we walked by the river and talked. but my talking was all in vain, because she ended up driving away saying "I'm sorry, goodbye."
long story short, she didn't die that day. my brother and I chased her around the surrounding towns until she agreed to meet and drive home with us.
I remember that night so well. too well sometimes.
the next year and a half went on, with little change. she attempted 3 more times to my knowledge.
calling me crying. those nights used to be the worst for me. but each time I got just a little bit less worried about her, because I was like "it hasn't worked yet, it won't this time, she's going to be okay."
she was thoroughly convinced that she would hurt me eventually and that I should cut the rope on our friendship, but I refused. so she did it.
we didn't talk for months; but when she did finally text me on July 30th of this year, we talked for a decent amount of time before she stopped responding.. and that was the last time we talked. I never thought more or less of it.
she told me she was doing really well and looking for a job; I believed her. I was in another state when it finally happened about a month ago. I was on Facebook and began seeing
"RIP Laura"
"gone too soon"
"miss you beautiful"
ect.
those moments of sheer panic were like, when you are at the top of a roller coaster for the very first time. except when i began to see the other side, the drop, it was like it just dropped into a pit of despair and hopelessness.
after all these times
she got exactly what she wanted...
she was really.
completely..
gone.
but of course I have the memory of her.
there's pictures.
there's evidence that she not only existed, (despite what she wanted to believe) she really lived.
I write this in hopes that you will see the pain in the words as I write them.
I want you to see the hurt that this caused me.
depression.
anxiety.
-
suicide.
and all of the effects of them..
there is a war that is being fought against them every single day.
and sometimes, people will feel alone in the battle simply because others didn't take the time to notice the war and decide to help.
sometimes you're in the battle yourself, and you find someone else and fight with them.
sometimes you're a bystander, and you decide that you don't want to stand on the sidelines and let depression beat your friend, or even a stranger.
this is what I'm calling you to do.
care for each other.
seek help.
seek wisdom.
seek hope.
seek peace.
fight for your lives
and fight for others.
I don't want to lose another friend.
I don't ever.
want to lose
another friend.
you are all my friends, no matter what you look like, sound like, smell like, believe in, don't believe in.
you are my friend.
you are important.
you have so much worth
and most of all,
you are so loved, by so many people.
music can save lives.
but people...
community with each other...
vulnerability and selflessness, can save so so many more.
so search for hope
find peace in the darkness.
with help from one another.
don't be afraid to ask for help.
(I'm always open to talk about anything, message me.)
love. love. love. love.
don't waste your time; it's so short.
and above all...
STAY |-/ ALIVE
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